Dark Souls III Review


The Dark Souls series is renown for its difficulty (if nothing else). My encounter with FromSoftware’s latest outing into the series was certainly that, but it was also so much more.

Like a nervous girl on her first prom night, I thought I was ready. I had heard so much about it, I was so excited. All of my friends were going too, it was going to be a fun night. Hidetaka Miyazaki and his Dark Soul proverbially arrived in my living room to sweep me away.

He kissed me on the hand and charmed my parents with his easy good looks. He seemed so inviting, so warm, and at first I felt safe. He walked me to his car, it was old and a little beat up–but I didn’t mind, most boys my age don’t even have cars, or licenses for that matter. I was just so excited he had asked me to prom.

Me, of all the girls. It’s not that I’m ugly, of course not. It’s just that there are so many other women that would have said yes to him. I didn’t care though, I just thought maybe I was special.

We were supposed to drive to the school, but he took a turn in the totally opposite direction.

“The school is the other way…”

Hidetaka Miyazaki

Hidetaka Miyazaki

He smiled at me and said…

“I know.”

We drove for maybe just a couple of minutes before arriving in an empty field, surrounded by darkness and solitude. He stopped the engine and paused. I was nervous, but at the same time I knew I wanted it. He leaned in to kiss me, resting his hand on my upper thigh. At first I was reluctant, but I ultimately gave in.

Dark Souls III fucked me.

Again and again.

After the first time I thought it would stop, I thought if I got better at it that the game would relax… But it didn’t.

It just kept fucking me.


It hurt, to be totally honest, but by the end of it I felt like I had accomplished something a lot of my peers hadn’t. None of the other girls would believe that I had finished Dark Souls III. I should have panicked after the controller broke in the middle of it, but I didn’t let it get to me.

Dark Souls III zipped up and drove me home, manically apologizing the entire way. We never met up with my friends.

I went up to my room, shut the door behind me, and cried.

But in the end, I was still proud.

I beat Dark Souls III.


  • Great graphics
  • Challenging gameplay


  • The controller broke
  • Pregnancy
  • On the lookout for sexually transmitted infections


Andy is an avid video game player, loves tacos and carries a lot of regret.

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