This review was in progress when I killed my roommate, Stephen.
Really, Stephen was always a cunt, but Mario Kart 8 really put me over the edge this time. You see, I came home from the cosplay convention (I wore my Naruto outfit again), and Stephen was like “hey bro I bet I can kick your ass at Mario Kart, I used to play N64 all the time.” I scoffed at the idea, as I am a fat nerd and Stephen is a good looking, charismatic asshole that always gets laid.
There’s no way he was going to beat me at my domain.
The game began fine enough, I won an entire cup in first place with a shit eating grin on my face. Then it went downhill. Once Stephen got used to the controls, he managed to catch up quick. We were neck and neck up until the final race of the cup, and I was narrowly ahead in first place during the final lap. About 100 feet from the finish line, would you believe it… A fucking blue shell.
As the blue explosion engulfed me, I could just feel the satisfaction radiating from his stupid face. My Toad cried in agony as he zoomed past me, stealing the finish line and winning the entire cup by only a few points.
I hated him so much for this. It’s bad enough being an unattractive, poorly hygienic, and generally unlikeable mid-30’s man; but to be beaten at video games by someone that has it all… I just couldn’t take it anymore. I took one of the Switch handles and I shoved it down his perfect, ruggedly handsome mouth, pushing it deep into his esophagus. I outweighed him by a solid 230 lbs or so, so it was fairly easy for me to hold him down as he flailed desperately for air.
I write this now from prison, but to be honest, Stephen had it coming.
Overall, I’d say the game was worth it, definitely with the extra content and higher resolutions.